I have decided to write this blog about me and my personal journey and experiences as a mother, and also a baby and child sleep consultant, but foremost as a mother.
Social media plays such a huge role in our lives as mothers these days, we compare ourselves to other mothers we see on a screen. This has often left me feeling like the worst mother in the world, as if I am failing my own children, despite giving the best I can, or as though people are going to judge me for my decisions and choices. This leads on to the part about being a baby and child sleep consultant.
I attended a mother's wellness centre over the weekend, and I had the opportunity to talk to mums about motherhood and sleep, and offer advice about their little ones' sleep - completely informal and just an opportunity to talk to people. One thing that really stuck in my mind was when I spoke to a mum of a fourteen-month-old, who explained that her daughter was getting much better at sleeping, but it could take two hours for her to fall asleep at night and daytime naps were a bit of a nightmare. I asked this mummy - ‘What has stopped you from seeking support previously for your daughter's sleep?’ Her reply upset and shocked me in equal measure - ‘I am worried I am going to be judged by others for getting help.’ I mean thinking about it, I shouldn’t really be that shocked because in the world of social media in which we live today, we are all made to feel that we are not parenting ‘perfectly.’ (Although, there is no such thing as a ‘perfect parent.’)
This has really got me thinking about myself and my job in supporting parents with their little one’s sleep. It really made me reflect on what it was that made me find help when my 6-week-old baby wasn’t sleeping.
My little boy, Oscar, was born the day before the first lockdown, and by the time we came out of the hospital, we were stuck in our house, with no visitors and no face-to-face support. We literally stepped through the front door, put Oscar down in the Moses basket in the lounge, looked at my husband, and said, ‘So, what do we do now?’ (I remember it like it was yesterday.) We stared at this little human we had just created with absolutely no idea what to do, or even what was ahead of us! We Facetimed family members, ate, drank (too much), and bickered about what was best for Oscar and how to do things, not that either of us actually had a clue what we were doing.
The first few nights at home, we took it in turns to have Oscar. We went to NCT classes prior to giving birth, and when the lady asked us ‘How are you going to manage sleep?’, both my husband and I naively said - ‘Oh, it will be ok, Simon (husband) is a night owl, so he can manage the late night stuff, and I (mum) am an early bird, so then I will take over.” We had it all planned out in our minds. We were also the couple that said - ‘Oh no, parenthood won’t change us. The baby will slot in with our lives!’ Pah! How little did we know!
Anyway, I vividly remember, even three and a half years later, Oscar screaming and screaming and both my husband and I on the brink of breaking point. I would walk around our very small dining table (two up, two down house) for hours in the hope he would drift off to sleep. Then at about 3 am, I would hand it over to Simon. We would do this for days, neither of us really sleeping, but both of us crying, thinking ‘What are we doing wrong? Is it going to be like this forever?” My Brother-In-Law calmly said on the phone to us one day ‘It only lasts about 3 months and then it gets easier.” Well at that point, three months felt like an entire lifetime (it was for Oscar) and fear and dread set in - both of us were overwhelmed, exhausted, lonely, and anxious.
My mental health took a severe hit during this time, as did my husband's. I began to believe that Oscar and Simon would be better off without me, feeling like a burden and unable to cope with the spiraling thoughts. I reached out and spoke to an incredibly supportive doctor who prescribed Sertraline, which helped somewhat. However, it didn't address the core issue: our lack of understanding and the exhaustion we were experiencing. When Simon resumed work (from home) in our tiny house, I felt the need to keep Oscar quiet and manage on my own, especially during the day. While Simon was incredibly helpful, he was the sole breadwinner, and without his income, we would have struggled even more.
Anyway, fast forward to when Oscar was around 6 weeks old, and after being awake most of the night, I’d just fallen asleep myself and Oscar started screaming again - it was only 4 a.m. I turned over to Simon and cried more than I had before. I told him, I can’t do this! I don’t know what he wants! I’m exhausted and broken! Ultimately, I just wanted the support of my mum and dad to come in and help - even if they sat downstairs holding Oscar whilst I got a couple of hours of sleep! But that wasn’t going to happen - lockdown!
The day before, Simon had bumped into our next-door neighbour as he was taking the bins out, who asked how we were doing. And he explained that we were struggling. Our neighbour said to contact a lady in the village who was a baby and child sleep consultant. So at 4 a.m., he said to me “We need some help, let's just see what Bex (baby and child sleep consultant) has to say.” I was adamant I could do this, and at no point did I need help - although clearly I did. I said to Simon - “OK, but I don’t want to commit to anything and please let’s not tell anyone!” I think it was fear of being judged as a ‘bad mum’ for not being able to manage it on my own.
We reached out to Bex (Rebecca), and she was incredibly patient and kind. She made me feel comfortable and helped me realise that seeking sleep support was worth a try. My baby wasn't sleeping, my mental health was at its lowest point, and I was gaining weight. At that stage, it felt like things couldn't get any worse (unless one of us contracted Covid). Bex provided us with a plan and settling techniques to help Oscar sleep, and it made a near-instant difference. He was actually sleeping, albeit not through the night given his age, but he established a predictable pattern of sleep and feeding. This was a game-changer for me and Simon. Oscar had a structured feeding and sleeping plan that brought order to our day. I no longer felt lost or confused; I adhered to the plan diligently, and it yielded remarkable results. I had never considered a dream feed before, but incorporating it meant that Simon could give Oscar a bottle during that feed, allowing me to get some much-needed rest. When Oscar woke up at night, I could feed him, and Simon could sleep. Thanks to the dream feed, Oscar started sleeping for 3 or 4 hours at a stretch.
I can tell you that when you’ve survived off of little to no sleep, a three-hour block of sleep makes you feel like a new woman! I still remember waking up, believing I could tackle anything that day!
At that point, I had a six-week-old baby who followed a routine. While we still had our occasional challenges, I stuck to the schedule religiously. When we emerged from lockdown, I wanted to socialise and go out with Oscar. I sought guidance from Bex on how to manage this, as I was concerned that if Oscar wasn't in his cot at home, we'd be back to square one. To my surprise, that wasn't the case. I was regaining a life as a mum while getting much-needed sleep. My mental health improved significantly, although I continued taking Sertraline for three years. The ability to sleep allowed me to see the world differently. I started to believe that Oscar needed me to be there to maintain his routine, help him sleep, and ultimately because I was his mum.
Oscar became a happier, more cheerful baby, and I became a happier, more determined mum. I can't thank Bex enough for what she gave me. When I became pregnant with my second son, Otto, I knew exactly what to do, and I did it. I had the confidence, skills, and knowledge to ensure he settled from the beginning, and he has been sleeping well ever since.
After my maternity leave with Oscar and experiencing mental health issues, I made the difficult decision not to return to my job as a teacher. I felt like I had been deprived of the typical joys of maternity leave due to COVID-19 and lockdowns, which led me to explore a new path. I underwent training to become a baby and child sleep consultant, aiming to support families like mine and parents in situations similar to my husband's and mine. I have now worked with numerous families, each with their unique backgrounds and needs, and every single one has expressed how much it has improved their family dynamics. In one case, it even saved a marriage.
So coming back to the answer the mum gave me at the weekend about not finding sleep support for fear of being judged, I would like to tell you, that you are not alone and sleep is vital for both you, your partner, and your baby/child. If you don’t want to tell anyone you are getting sleep support, you don’t have to - you will get absolutely no judgment from me as I have been there.
This is my journey into motherhood, and I acknowledge that everyone's journey will differ. That's okay. Instead of passing judgment on each other, let's support and uplift one another. Let's encourage seeking help when needed and accept that the parenting journey can be tough, with endless challenges. You don't have to love every part of parenthood just because social media and previous generations of parents suggest you should.
I am not trying to tell you to buy from me, I am simply saying that if you would like any help, support, guidance, or tips, please get in contact, as you are not alone.
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